Creative Craigslist: The Apocalypse Car

Posted on December 18, 2011 by utsman

Buying a car for speed is easy.  Buying a car for commuting is even easier.  But buying a car that must survive the end of the world can get a little tricky.  There are numerous deciding factors to put in your decision-making hat such as size, utility, speed, strength and even economy.  Your days will be spent exploring, scavenging for supplies and fighting off other survivors who might not like that you’re still alive.  There will more than likely be nights where you’ll find yourself asleep in this vehicle as well; clutching your sawed-off shotgun in one hand and sucking the thumb of your other one.  Putting those highly important considerations aside, you’ll also need to factor in the most important aspect of an apocalypse car.  In the end, when civilization is restored and peace is once again blowing in the wind because of your adventures, your legacy will need to be considered “cool.”  As smart as it would be to just buy a late 90′s Toyota Camry, no one is going to make a movie about you and your 30 mpg.

To find a solid and cool apocalypse car, we once again turn to the greatest and worst website for car people: Craigslist.  Here are a few examples of what East Tennessee has to offer.

Here’s a great example of what the end of the world is all about.  This 92 Caprice is far too big both in width and length, it’s heavy, tough and spacious.  With rear wheel drive and a 5.0 liter V8, it’s almost muscle car worthy.  Sure, in stock form it was a bit…um…restricted, but a few junkyard modifications would make it actually quick.  Well, quick enough to outrun zombies or a semi truck filled with explosive and driven by a manic maniac.  All it really needs are open headers through the hood, a trunk full of weapons and some fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror and this one is ready to be flung sideways in a billow of tire smoke and fire.  Plus, its an old GM so it will be easy to work on if and when it breaks and parts can mostly be built from left behind household items scavenged from a dead neighborhood.

It may be newer, but this 05 Jeep Grand Cherokee is ready for a Mad Max remake.  Sure, it’s pricey now but when the end of the world hits, the dealership salespeople will be too busy trying to save their families from becoming flesh-eating husks of humans to notice that you stole this gem.  Loaded out as a Limited, this Jeep packs Quadra-drive two speed all wheel drive and a 330 horsepower 5.7 liter Hemi V8.  Basically, it can go anywhere it wants and do so fast.  With its independent front suspension, the WK generation Grand Cherokee was actually quite the handler too so it can double as a getaway vehicle.  This one could easily blast down a broken highway at more than 100 mph, hit the brakes hard, turn sharp onto a desolate dirt clearing and then bound for miles to a safe point.  Add in the obvious utility of an SUV and this Jeep can be kitted out to outlast anything.  Plus, when you meet one of the cute survivor girls, you can comfort here with leather seats and a Bose stereo.  Because after all, it’s a limited and its black: cool.

Assuming that the end of the world will demolish most cities leave new found obstacles, this might be the ticket.  Defeat all of those falling buildings with this 1985 Suzuki Samuri SJ410.  It’s been lifted 5 inches and rolls on 31 inch knobby tires.  The cool thing about these little trucks is that they’re so light, they can go just about anywhere: even water.  If it isn’t too deep, it might float.  Pretty tough looking to begin with, this particular craigslist find is ready to blast through some sandbags laid out to keep you away from supplies.  Just make sure to plan ahead because the seller of this Suzuki mentioned nothing about re-gearing his truck which means that with the added lift, this thing is flat-out slow.  63 horsepower might not be the best way to make a cool, apocalypse getaway.

When the tales of your society saving adventures are chronicled on film, you can rest assured knowing that you’ll look cool in this 89 Mercury Cougar.  Running a factory supercharged 3.8 liter V6, five speed manual transmission and rear wheel drive, this coupe has the makings to become a legendary zombie car.  Weighing in at around 3,500 lbs, the Mercury has some decent heft to shove around and play rough if needed.  The 210 horsepower stock and five speed mean its somewhat fast too but could easily be faster.  Loud exhausts are always cool after all as well as bigger superchargers.  Even cooler is shifting gears: every cool movie ever becomes cooler when a quick shot of a second-to-third gear shift is caught.  The black paint on this one as well as its obscure look makes it an odd ball and that’s a good thing for the apocalypse.

Putting aside the horrible craigslist-quality framing of the picture, this 1978 Ford F-15O is straight up badass.  A hot-rod 351 powers a do-it-yourself four speed manual and four wheel drive.  It already has dual exhaust pipes for loud noises and too many auxilary lights which is a critical addition to any apocalypse vehicle.  Since it’s a pickup, supplies can easily be hauled and the four wheel drive means no worry about crossing mud or dead zombie bodies.  It’s big, its tough, its black and its a hot-rod: it is a ready for the end of the world.  To bad we can’t see all of it.

This one doesn’t really need any explanation.  It’s a (or was) a 1949 Chevrolet Pickup that was already built to bomb down a dusty and desolate freeway.  With a 400 horsepower 327 cubic inch Corvette engine, a Camaro five speed manual and an S-10 frame, this rat rod could set the apocalyptic road on fire if it wasn’t already.

Posted in Creative Craigslist | Leave a comment

Car Review: A Really Dumb Mode of Transportation

Posted on September 29, 2011 by utsman

Yes, we know that it has been a long time since there was an update on this site.  And sure you might be reading Empty Road for the first time, making the above statement complete and totally inept but we assure you that all is not lost.  For this edition of Car Review, we won’t be looking at a mangled piece of silly machinery named after a former pet.  Instead, it is just a car.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Well, maybe just a bit less.  It is, the 2011 Dodge Caliber.

Let us first set the record straight.  This is, without a doubt, one of the reasons for Chrysler’s downfall not just two years ago.  The attention to detail is blatantly bad and the powertrain would be embarrassing in the 1950s.  Powering this front wheel drive abomination is what we can only hope is a small grouping of hamsters.  Or perhaps it is just one slightly larger hamster.  Regardless, the 2.0 liter inline four cylinder produces a staggering 158 horsepower and 148 stump-pulling ft-lbs of torque.  Even though it makes more power than a 15-year-old Toyota 2.2 liter, the Caliber was repeated passed by small girls named Becky on their pink and white bicycles.  Maybe blame can be put more on the stupid pairing of a torque-less engine to a CVT transmission.  CVTs work on paper, but like a rotary (yeah, we went there), in real life things aren’t always so pretty.  Slow to engage and lazy to build power, the CVT is a terrible pair up with the 2.0 liter.  On every excursion to match speed for the freeway, the loud pedal was introduced to the firewall.  Once that happened, the CVT would jump the engine up to redline and hold it there.  So much for lasting the test of time Dodge.

Placing the bad powertrain aside, the Caliber’s only up-point was its lack of emotional connection.  Usually, this is a deal breaker for us at Empty Road, but not in a car of this caliber (yep).  The Dodge’s handbrake worked rather well, allowing for the rear tires to lock while the throttle was still left wide open.  Instead of apologizing for the abuse, the next corner is always taken in a similar fashion.  If we were given the Caliber for a daily driver without worry of damaging someone else’s property, it would have a friendly meeting with a tree within two days.  Shopping carts everywhere would cringe in fear as the Caliber would run into them hourly.  The fully independent suspension (this isn’t a joke) is oddly playful and supports handbrake turns just as much as milk supports cookies.  Because of this, corners can be entered entirely too fast and full of error.  Scrubbing off speed is as simple as using your right hand.  And when your bored, the Caliber can be put in the backyard with the other old toys to forget about until the cable goes out again.  This is the kind of vehicle that a driver uses hard on the weekend, leaves and then never calls back.

Posted in Car Reviews | Leave a comment

Creative Craigslist: Old Stuff

Posted on March 22, 2011 by utsman

Craigslist is two things: wonderful and terrible.  The wonder stems from the ability to view all types of vehicles and receive inspiration for anything and we mean anything.  Ideas, dreams, knowledge and laughs can all be found on craigslist and hours can be spent simply “goofing” around looking at the for sale postings.  Each craigslist has its own type of “style” too and East Tennessee’s is no different.  These are just a few gems that can be found.

Lets say you’re looking for a lifted, hot-rod Ford truck but you want the running gear of a GM.  Look no further than Deer Lodge TN for this Chevy framed 1-ton.  Fork over nearly 10 grand and it’s yours.

Maybe you’re in the market for a coupe.  This 1947 Chevy two door could easily satisfy your craving.  A three-on-the tree and a swapped 12 volt electric system should justify this one’s $2400 asking price.  Not to mention the selling has the title in hand which is surprisingly rare for East Tennessee.

Are you a jazz musician and in need of a car to haul your crew around?  This “95% complete” 1956 Cadillac 62 two door should do the trick.  Only seven grand separate you from this piece of Americana history.

Back yard engineering can create some remarkable things and this 1929 Dodge pickup proves this.  With the running gear of a Dodge 1/2 ton (318/727) this one off rat rod is sure to be reliable and turn multiple heads.  And it’s all yours for $30,000.

Let’s say you’re a family man and need something to haul around the wife and kids but you still want something cool; what do you buy?  The perfect answer is this 1947 Dodge Deluxe.  It’s suicide doors will not only allow easily loading of children, but it will easily keep their attention due to the sheer novelty.  Sporting the original flathead straight six and three speed manual, you can rest assured that you won’t have to park the thing due to “bad gas mileage.”

Or maybe you’re just nutty and want something to show others how much of a goof ball you really.  If this sounds like you, look around Knoxville for this creation simply called “rat rod.”  It’s a Chevrolet frame with a GM straight six, three speed and a Volkswagen body.  Of course, the title doesn’t exist (probably never did) but it does “run.”  The price?  Make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Posted in Creative Craigslist | Leave a comment

Car World: Best Driving Roads in The Great Smoky Mountains

Posted on January 8, 2011 by utsman

 

Driving nirvana is a rare thing in today’s world.  Urban sprawl has diminished the amount of road that any person would consider enjoyable and has instead increased traffic, travel time, and driver frustration.  It is difficult for people who live in a city, especially Knoxville, to find a section of road that is made for driving.  There was a point in time when driving was not considered a chore, but was reserved as a pleasure.  Fortunately for Knoxvillians there is a place where this mentality still exists and the joy of driving is top priority.  In no time at all, any tied up and frustrated city dweller, Knoxville or not, can break free and escape to enjoy pure driving nirvana deep in the Great Smoky Mountains.

In order to drive away just for the sake of driving, there is no better place to go to than the mountains.  The Great Smoky Mountains is a wonderful place full of majesty and is only a 45 minute drive from Knoxville’s campus.  As the cityscape becomes smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror, a driver can feel his or her cares melt away.  There are many ways to get to the trip we will be covering but picking the most scenic seems to be best.  The start of our driving nirvana is the Foothills Parkway in Tennessee and will be continuing on to US Highway 129 (The Tail of The Dragon), NC Highway 28 (The Hellbender), and will end on The Cherohala Skyway.

When driving from Maryville on 321, turn of at the Foothills Parkway.  This 17 mile long scenic drive offers some of the best views around the Smokies.  To your right, you can see the Tennessee Valley and Townsend while to the left you can see deep into the park.  The road is fast and sweeping, with many elevation changes.  Known more for a leisurely drive than a race track, you might find yourself caught up by the occasional mini-van.  For the more daring driver, some high speed can be had around the fast sweepers.  

Once out of the Foothills, US Highway 129 starts.  Take a left and get ready for the ride of your life.  Just a mile or two down the road starts what people refer to as the Tail of The Dragon.  Containing 318 curves in just 11 miles, this road is nothing but demanding.  The corners are blind and very technical and are hard on a car’s brakes, suspension, and tires.  Accidents happen more often than not and the TN Highway Patrol has been known to patrol looking for reckless drivers.   Don’t let this discourage you though; take it easy at first and spend a good part of the day learning the road.

At the end of Tail arrives Deals Gap and the famous motorcycle resort.  Traffic can be hectic and it is best to turn down NC Highway 28 and move on.  Known as the Hellbender, this section of road is just as, if not more intimidating than 129.  “I’m never going on that road again!”, exclaimed James Cathers, a regular visitor of 129 after his Nissan 350Z hit irregular asphalt and rode in the grass at over 80 mph on 28.  The road is downhill and can easily mix up a driver.  With the majority of the corners being sweepers, the Hellbender mixes it up with two very tight hairpins.

When heading on 28, get off at 143 and head towards Robbinsville North Carolina.  This quaint little town offers some rear charm and really good pizza.  It’s best to fuel up here because there is long road ahead of you.  The Cherohala Skyway spans 32 miles and building was finished in 1996.  This marvel of man and nature puts drivers literally on top of a mountain.  The road is breathtaking and a challenge; the elevation change is large and sudden.  This by no means should turn a driver away.  Every bit of this road is worth it.  It is truly driving nirvana.

Posted in Car World | Leave a comment

Car Tech: The Subaru Headgasket.

Posted on January 8, 2011 by utsman

The Subaru boxer engine is a very unique machine.  Its flat design layout and odd firing order give it the feel and sound that has become wonderfully desirable.  Unfortunately, certain variations of the boxer engine do carry some undesirable traits and none are more pressing than the head gasket issue that plagues the Phase I EJ25.  This engine, which was Subaru’s first DOHC EJ series four cylinder, can be found in the second generation Legacy GT sedans and wagons (96-99) as well as the Outback’s of similar vintage.  Even though it was innovative, light (due to its all aluminum construction) and enjoyed being revved, Subaru must have been excessively drunk on sake when they decided to install the gaskets that separate coolant and oil.  The OEM head gaskets on the EJ25D have a tendency to blow just as much as the sun has a tendency to rise.  If you have one and the head gasket have NOT been replaced, here is what you need to do to remedy a tragedy.

First things first, you must decide whether or not to do the job with the engine in or out of the car.  Now, it is possible to do this with the engine still mounted in place, but in all honesty, it isn’t worth it.  The trouble you might save will just come back to bite you in the butt.  It is best to remove the engine; this way you have a lot more room to work and you can accomplish a few more maintenance issues while you’re at it.  I hate to say it, but if you have any doubts (and I mean ANY) about pulling the engine, you do not need to be doing a head gasket job yourself.  Save up for a shop (average head gasket job is $1200 total).

Pulling a Subaru engine is actually fairly simple.  The Legacy/Outback bell-housing (connection of engine to transmission) has four bolts.  There are another two bolts for the engine mounts and a total of six for the exhaust headers.  That’s 12 bolts to be unbolted and your engine is free.  To start, disconnect the fuel pump sender to relieve the fuel pressure (attempt to start the car with this disconnected to “flush out the fuel”), remove the accessories (alternator, power steering pump and air conditioner) as well as the air box/intake.  Drain the coolant (lower radiator hose works fine) and make sure that when you remove the intake components to label (or take a mental picture of) the vacuum line system.  This will be vital when putting everything back together. 

It seems best to remove the intake manifold while you are at it, but this is not a must.  It will free up space and let’s face it; the EJ25D is a big engine. 

With the accessories, intake components, fuel and radiator disconnected, you can begin removing the bolts that hold the engine in place.  The engine mounts are simple enough and I’d advice to jack the car up a little to allow some working space.  You can easily spot these two bolts on the cross-member.  While under the car, remove the exhaust bolts on the headers (PB Blaster is your friend).  Once these are all disconnected, you can tackle the bell-housing bolts.  There are two on top and two lower down.  The lower passenger bolt can be accessed from the top (as well as the upper bolts) but the lower driver side bolt is best accessed via underneath.  We found it to be easiest (if there ever is such a thing) to remove the driver side tire so a plethora of extensions can gain access to the bolt. 

I’m going to state this one more time: if anything in the above two paragraphs seems foreign to you, you do not need to be doing this job.  Learning is great, but there is a reason most of us start out small.  This is a big job and if done wrong, can turn your engine into an all aluminum paper weight.

With the engine unbolted, it will take some convincing to be removed.  If you have access to a jack, this can be used to leverage the transmission away from the engine while it is being pulled by the hoist.  Position the jack under the transmission and then bolt up the engine to the hoist.  Depending on what type of hoist you are using, you can use common sense as to where to bolt the hooks to the block.  Make sure nothing will strip or cause damage to block when stress is applied.  And remember, this isn’t a race: take your time. 

So, your engine is out and on an engine stand (or dangling in the wind if you’re lazy/cheap), now what?  Get some sleep because you’ve got some real concentration ahead of you.  Gather your tools and set up a clean area to safely place the long block components. 

If you removed the intake manifold already, the next step is to remove the heads.  This means removing the timing belt: this is where it can get kind of scary.  The timing belt IS the most vital aspect of this engine and must be removed properly.  Gain access to it by removing the crank pulley and the front timing belt cover.  This will allow you set the timing safely so no damage will be caused to the valves and pistons.  A Haynes/Chilton or the FSM will be your greatest asset here: follow each step TO THE DOT.

Once you have the crank pulley and timing belt cover removed, you can properly set the timing so the pistons are fully recessed inside the cylinder walls.  There are two marks on the crank sprocket: one for Top Dead Center and another for recession.  DO NOT set the timing to Top Dead Center: this could cause the valves to open and “kiss” the piston tops potentially bending the valves.  The cam sprockets have timing marks as well to indicate the recessed setting.  When this setting is achieved (and you’ve double checked and double checked again) you can begin to remove the timing belt itself.

By removing the inner tension pulley will allow for the timing belt to be safely removed so the crank and camshafts stay in place.  Work from one end of the belt to the other and be very gentle: this isn’t a race.  Once the belt is removed, the camshafts must now be taken out in order to reach the head bolts.  Start by removing the cam sprockets which is another task that is made easier by an assistant.  There are camshaft locking tools out there that will hold the sprockets in place while the bolt is removed, but they come at a cost.  With a heavy-duty crescent wrench held by a strong-armed friend placed on the hex portion of the camshaft itself, the cams should stay in place while you attack the sprocket bolts.  This will take a few attempts, but it should work.  Start with the passenger side head first as this side is not under pressure.  The driver side cams are due the cam lobs holding the valves open.  If the camshafts are rotated too much, the release of that pressure will send the cams in frenzied rotation.  This can be dangerous if the engine’s timing is set to TDC because the valves can potentially interfere with the pistons.  But, if the timing is set right, you will not need to worry too much.  Do each camshaft one at a time and make sure that if they need to be rotated that they are done so in the proper direction.  (See picture).

With the camshaft sprocket removed, it now become fairly straight forward.  Remove the camshaft journals (two for each cam) and then carefully remove the camshafts themselves.  The lifters will probably want to slide out, so be careful not to allow them to simply drop out.  Set the cams, lifters, and journal caps neatly aside and label everything so it all gets put back in the exact location it came from.  Next, go for the head bolts.  These are aluminum heads, so they might make a funny noise but that is normal.  Make sure to organize these too as each bolt must go back in its original location.  This is all that holds your heads from the block itself. 

Once removed, you will clearly see the gasket.  In the pictures provided, it is obvious that the OEM gaskets are not up to snuff, even on a low mileage engine as the one pictured.  It is a complete mystery as to why Subaru would manufacture these this way, but it now seems to be water underneath the bridge.  With your engine torn down to its short block, now is the time to have everything inspected.  Make sure the heads are not warped in any way and check the pistons and cylinder walls for any abnormal wear.  You should be able to still see and or feel the cross-hatching on the cylinder walls and the tops of the pistons can be cleaned in a careful manner. 

Work backwards to install everything back as it should be: making sure to follow the 8-step torque process to reinstall the heads.  The cams should be properly aligned and a new timing belt should be installed with the absolute correct number of teeth from each timing mark to next.

Posted in Car Tech | Leave a comment

Car Review: Reluctant to Retire.

Posted on January 5, 2011 by utsman

Retirement is a tricky subject. It can either be depressing or liberating; or a combination of the two. The depression is usually caused by retirement’s darker meaning: the end is near. Or, at least, something is going to give, and the reaper might be just around the corner.

At 24-years-old, most people are in their prime, and nowhere near even thinking about retirement. They’re ready to rock and take on whatever the world has to offer. But there is one salty German who, at the ripe old age of 24, is rolling closer and closer to the end of the line. He has been called everything from Jeff, Black-hole and “you son-of-a bitch”, but his true name is still a mystery. Even now, he seems exceedingly reluctant to divulge.

During the last two decades, this assumingly quiet soul has evolved into an almost underground legend for a select group of people. Seemingly unaware of his own status, the German has become bitter and cranky. But every once in a while, you can still glimpse his body lurching around the city streets of Knoxville.

“I first meet him at the junkyard,” says Charlie Sykes, who currently watches over his older friend. I ask Sykes if the fading gentleman has finally given up his name, but it seems this detail hasn’t come up yet. The two have only known each other for ten months, so the bonding process is still a little green. I reveal to Sykes that I once knew the German and that, back then, he went by the name Black-hole. When Sykes asks why, I look over at my quietly sulking former friend and beckon, “Look at him.”

It may seem odd that Black-hole is constantly being referred to as “old.” Consider that most 24 year olds haven’t traveled the equivalent distance of 16 times around the world. In fact, these days most 24-year-olds still live in their parent’s basements. So it’s perhaps forgiveable if Black-hole seems a little tired. On the surface, he has always been the quiet type, never drawing too much attention to himself. It is only when you really get to know him that his true side emerges and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde manifest their split personalities into a car.

“It’s a car with more character than that crazy uncle who always makes everyone uncomfortable during the holidays with his inappropriate remarks,” says Lucas Coleman who first met Black-hole in 2007. Coleman never drove him, but he saw his capabilities. “My fondest memory of the car was undoubtedly seeing it spin the tires all the way through third gear on an interstate on ramp,” says Coleman. “Given, it was raining, but even in slippery conditions most cars would struggle to keep the tires spinning in second. This car, however, had far different plans.”

Black-hole, or sometimes referred to simply as “the E28″ is a BMW 535i born in 1986. Bathed in the factory Schwarz black, the original owner shelled out $35,000 to take possession; a substantial amount even now. That pricey sum got the owner a 3.5 liter, SOHC straight six coded M30B34, was connected to a five speed manual trans, and a LSD packed with the 3.25 gear set. With the chassis code E28, this second generation 5 series is still classically shaped and quintessentially BMW. Unlike BMWs of today, this one will never be mistaken for a Toyota.

Resembling what could easily be the vehicle of choice for a drug dealer, Black-hole looks well-aged, and rightfully so. His vehicular retirement, that is the qualification for antique registration plates, is only one year away. But if the term “antique” was measured in miles instead of years, this old BMW would’ve been sent out to pasture quite a long time ago.

BMWs of the 1980′s all seem to share the same problems, and one of them is a faulty odometers. Black-hole’s is no exception, so the car’s actual mileage is shrouded in mystery. Knoxville BMW technician Jeff Turner, who was once both Black-hole’s owner and mechanic, estimates him to be pushing over 350,00 miles. The odometer gave up the ghost at 227,000 miles and according to Turner, that was a long time ago. The assumption is probably not too far from the truth, given that a 2002 Autocheck fact report status, Black-hole’s functioning odometer read 195,123. This was in Tucker, GA. The very next day, the odometer read 194,357 in Kennesaw, GA. (the last time the DMV knew how many miles were on this “time machine.”).

“Honestly, for a car that’s a quarter of a century old with a ton of miles, it’s not too bad,” says Sykes, who scooped up the E28 right off death row. He bought Black-hole when previous owner Kyle was attempting a euthanization. “Kyle was having trouble selling it and was going to scrap it. I made him an offer right there at the junkyard and he sold it to me for less than scrap.”

In the summer of 2008, Black-hole became a legend to Knoxville man Mike Julian. During that time, the E28 found comfort in Julian’s garage and became a landmark for his “car guy” neighborhood. Julian’s next door neighbor, also a car guy, was in possesion of a landmark vehicle: a gold Nissan S14 240sx. “I knew it [the 240] had been pretty heavily modified, but it was pure sleeper. Fifteen grand into a na hard-body (KA24DE) build, another ten grand into suspension… it was a monster,” says Julian. This knowledge was kept from Black-hole who challenged the much-younger athlete one summer evening. Julian recounts, “my neighbor looks over, back at the road and promptly downshifts into third. We keep up, turning off the highway onto a back road that leads to the house. Ahead of us, the 240 takes the turn at 50–speed limit 25. We power through the turn after him, hitting the straight. An intersection is coming up, where we both have to take a sharp left. I look over at the speedometer and see 95mph. E-brake up, downshift and we’ve turned onto the next road. Immediately, another turn; we’re still doing 70, as we slide into my driveway sideways. My neighbor walks over and says, ‘Damn, that thing is fast!’” That night, Black-hole earned some respect, even though he seemed not to care. To him, it was just another “kill story” to put in his collection.

Every corner of the black-on-black sedan is covered in what some would call “a story.” The passenger side, though dirty, is remarkably straight for the car’s age. It’s only when you walk around to Black-hole’s other side that the E28′s age spots begin to show. Numerous dings, dents and poorly-matched cover-up paint smears dot the driver’s side panels. “Those are the battle wounds of many owners and literally countless miles…some of those wounds even appeared to be inflicted with a baseball bat,” says Coleman. With the Autocheck fact sheet reporting Black-hole’s total number of owners at nine, those “battle wounds” could actually be caused by the angry side of a baseball bat. But the truth is just another mystery that Black-hole silently carries with him.

But perhaps the most remarkable thing about this tall-tale of a car, is that even after all of those miles, the drive train is still all original equipment. “You can’t kill an M30,” says Allen Turner. Allen is Jeff Turner’s brother and fellow BMW mechanic. The Turner men had a lasting relationship with Black-hole and devoted a substantial amount of time and effort into keeping him alive. The angular sedan could be seen parked out front of their East Knoxville shop for months at a time, so it came to their surprise when they finally saw the car leave with another owner. When the time came for the E28 to find another victim, Turner’s mechanic and electrical specialist Danny put it nicely: “Get that car away from me.”

“Part of me wants to believe that it lived in denial of its upscale, luxury creation, and instead preferred to exude the soul of a sports car,” says Coleman. And that’s the essence of Black-hole. On the surface, vehicles like the E28 are just an assemblage of mechanical parts. But their stories don’t end there. The E28 has personality spilling from every body panel gap, dent, blemish and smudge that coasts his long and gracefully-muscular body. Like a tired and worn-down Olympic athlete gives up and picks up smoking, Black-hole seems to have become gritty in his final years. Even though his moodiness has probably made him more enemies than friends, it’s that personality that turns cars like the E28 into legends.

It may seem odd to some why anyone would continue to keep watch over a car of this caliber, but people continually attempt to make friends with Black-hole. Like the bitter old grandfather who doesn’t seem to like being visited, the E28 continues to entertain guests. “It knows it is nearing the end of its life, and has become bitter,” says Coleman. Worked hard and hard worn, Black-hole rolls around with a perpetual chip on his shoulder. “This car was not out for fun, or glamour, but rather blood and vengeance. It wanted to end its own existence as quickly as it could manage, and it wanted to take as many with it as it was capable.”

Before we part, the bright-eyed Sykes asks me about my relationship with Black-hole. The only thing I can say, as I shake my head is, “I hated that son-of-a bitch.” Sykes chuckles and stops his questioning. This is probably because he understands what I mean. As I watch the black bomber speed the wrong way down a one-way side street, I can’t help but feel remorse for giving up on the old man. But then again, I’m not to sure he even liked me. After all, Coleman puts it best when he says, “Ahh, the E28. A homicidal maniac of a car, if there ever was one.”
Posted in Car Reviews | Leave a comment

Car People Speak: How to get to The Dragon, the Battlewagon way.

Posted on November 22, 2010 by utsman

Not too long ago, I was able to see a side of the Great Smoky Mountains I thought was only in my dreams. Some of you may or may not have already been down this way, but if anyone has ever been on the Tail of The Dragon, they have surely seen this. It’s Parson’s Branch Road and runs from Cades Cove all the way to 129.
The story begins with my mother, who is not a big hiker, saying she wants to hike up to Gregory’s Bald. I finally had some time off and the weather was great, so at 10:30, we made our trek to Cades Cove and the trail head. Due to me stopping for some green tea and the idiotic traffic at Cades Cove, we got to the begining of the road at about 1:15. The short jaunt on a two lane gravel road to Parson’s was awesome fun, something I thought couldn’t be matched. Boy, was I wrong.
The signs at the beginning of Parson’s made me even more excited. One way, do not travel at night, TRAVEL AT YOUR OWN RISK! I had to do this. It wasn’t the only way to get to the bald, but it was my way. As I began my trek, I quickly began to realize why I love these mountains so much. The short two miles to the trail head were a freaking blast! I’ve never had so much fun going 20-25 mph. It was loose gravel and slick mud all the way and really made me appreciate my Outback and how I have it built. This is where I made my decision to never buy anything else but Yokohama Geolanders for the Battlewagon.
When we made it to the trail head, I packed up my gear (nothing heavy: just food, water and rain gear) and we hiked up. Sadly, with the moms behind me, it took us three hours to make the 4.5 miles to the top. If I was alone or with my pop, it would have been done in 2.5. On the way down though, I hiked behind my mom, and got her down the trail in an hour and a half. Much better.
We got back to the big guy waiting quietly at six. This is when I came to the deduction that I was screwed. Parson’s is a one way road, and 129 was still closed on the TN side due to the spring rock slide, so the only way out was to either go the wrong way down a dangerous one way road, or go the right way and drive into NC to get back to Knox. Needless to say, I did something very illegal.
Karma must not have been on my side because as I approached the end of Parson’s and Cades Cove, I was greeted with a locked gate on a bridge with no way around. The Park Service had closed the gate at 5. Things looked pretty bad but managed to get even worse as I read a lonely traffic sign. This sign informed me that there was a gate at Deals gap and that at 8 p.m., it would be closed. It was 6:30. The sign said the entire 8 mile Parson’s would take one hour. I had no idea where on 129 it spat out of, so I was forced to get out of dodge and get out quick.
After stopping for a couple of kids locked out of their truck on Parson’s, I jumped on to 129 at about 7:05. What preceded was the most hair raising fun I’ve had in a long, long time. Not only was the road windy and loose, but there are about a dozen stream crossings to bound through. If my car could smile, it would be doing so from ear to ear.
Parson’s intersects 129 right at one of the early hairpins. I’m sure if you are a regular visitor to Deal’s Gap, you’ve seen it and wondered, “what’s down there.” When I got on 129, I knew I was home free. The condition of the road was fantastic! Nice and smooth as butter. No traffic and when I got to the store, I got a special treat from local photographer Killboy himself. Take it from me, his Honda S2000 sounds MEAN.
At 7:30, I ate a PB&J and an apple, sighed and began my long journey back to Knoxville via 28, 74, 441, and finally I-40. When I got home, I was tired. Tired, but satisfied with my life decision to be a car guy.
Posted in Car People Speak | Leave a comment

Car People Speak: The List.

Posted on September 11, 2010 by utsman

Every car person has a “list.” It’s usually always changing, but for the most part there are at least 10 vehicles that drive us to be who we are. These are the desires that keep us up at night and haunt our dreams when we sleep. These are our top 10 dream cars.

I’d like to give you (the reader) a special glimpse into what makes me, your not-so-humble author, tick as a car person. I’ve collected my “list” and just by reading it, you might be able to get an idea as to who I really am as a person.

One final thought before I move on: this list has a rule. The vehicles on this list CAN NOT be modified and must come from the factory the way they were intended to.



1.1966 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 396 4sp Hardtop Black. Reason: I could stare at this thing for hours. I’ve loved this car since I was a kid and I bought a 1:24 scale model of it. It is, and always will be my number 1 dream car. The long hood, slanted nose, dual headlights, and the sculpted rear makes for a car that is pure nostalgia. It’s a muscle car that is also down right beautiful. It screams adventure. I can only hope that the reality of bombing down an empty highway with it is as wonderful as the dream.

2.1978 Jeep J10 4X4 360 4sp. Reason: In my mind, this is THE best looking pickup ever made. I’ve always had a soft spot for jeeps and this thing is by far my favorite. With a hotrod 360, manual 4sp and manual four wheel drive, it’s the kind of truck that would be a complete menace. It looks like it would chew your face off, spit on your shoes, lick a window, jump in the mud, rip up a tree for no reason what so ever, drive through a house and keep going, and steal all your gas in a matter of minutes. I love it.

3.1975 Chevrolet Cosworth Vega 2.0 4sp. Reason: I know, I know, it’s a Vega. But it’s a very special Vega with a very special engine. In my mind, Cosworth are the greatest engine builders on this planet and during a time of choked, dieing V8’s, this little thing had one hell of an engine built by the best. It was one of the first high strung 2.0 liter DOHC fuel injected four cylinders and it paved the way for the future giant killers. I like the look of it too. Clean and small in a land of American land barges. This car used to be on the fence for being on the list until around a year ago when I finally got to see one in person. It’s now number 3.

4.1996 Subaru Legacy GTB Wagon 5sp White. Reason: An easy candidate for perfect daily driver. Haul stuff in rain, shine, snow, ice, whatever; it doesn’t matter because it’s a damn Subaru. With “276” hp, it’s the ultimate underdog sleeper/utilitarian vehicle. Also, how cool is it that it belongs to a very short list of cars that have sequential twin turbos. I’d also finally be able to have a license plate that reads “JDM YO”.

5.1982 DMC DeLorean 5sp. Reason: It’s a DeLorean. It may be slow, unreliable, and probably hard to fix, but it’s the kind of car that I can’t help but love. John Z. DeLorean is one of my heroes and to own something that he poured his heart, soul, and income into would be truly special. It’s gorgeous, has a crappy engine, and its body is made out of stainless steel. It’s also a hero and character in one of my favorite movies. I don’t care if it might be a bad car, it has character and history and to me, that’s more important.

6.1964 MKII Mini Cooper S 1275cc BRG with the Union Jack on the roof. Reason: This car is just flat out cool. It was such a revolutionary car in that is saved so much space but was so small and nimble. It is the ultimate tool for traffic dissection. I honestly believe that nothing would find it easy keeping up with this car in the city and or during rush hour. Quintessentially British, the Mini Cooper screams blazing down London city streets being chased by a Merc or two. The big Benz never catches the Mini; never.

7.1995 BMW 850CSi 6sp Black. Reason: BMW’s 90’s super GT that to some, is the black sheep of the BMW family. Some BMW purists dislike the car because of its looks, but that’s the main reason I adore the E31. I love every line and every angle of it. It is what a super GT should look like: Long noise, short rear, big cabin. It has a glorious drive-train too. Big, 5.6L V12 matted to a BMW perfect 6sp manual. A beautiful, classy car that is fast and comfortable at any speed is a recipe for joy. This car has to have character too, probably too much of it.

8.1971 MKIII Jensen Interceptor SP Black. Reason: This car actually might define the word cool. When ever I look at it, I think of 70’s British gangsters running cash as fast as they can down some city streets. They leave nothing but chaos and noise. Not too many people even know what this car is, which to me, is always a plus. I love the idea of a British body, interior and chassis with a big, American drivetrain stuffed in. The MKIII SP was the most powerful, with a Chrysler 440 Six Pack V8 and a torqueflite auto trans. The interior looks so welcoming that this car could easily put most modern GTs to shame.

9.1970 Oldsmobile 442 W30 4sp Red. Reason: Another dream car based on a 1:24 scale model. I’ve lusted after this car since I was a kid and the reason finally became apparent recently: I adore the miscellaneous, odd-ball muscle cars that in reality were and are faster than the mainstream cars everyone else wants. The 442 seems to be overlooked and it shouldn’t, especially the W30. The 455ci Olds V8 made “370hp” and a diesel amount of torque and it would lay rubber in all four manual gears. The look is also nothing but menacing. It looks pure 1970’s: long hood, short rear. I have a feeling that the first time I would meet the car, it would head-butt me.

10. 1971 Ford Falcon GTHO Phase III. Reason: This muscular gem is the most recent addition to my list. It’s another car that makes me envious of the land down under and another Ford that makes me furious at their US administration. This Australian only muscle car is so rare, that most of the original ones (what’s rumored to be left) can fetch close to $700,000 Australian (about 660,000 sum in our dollar). The reason is no one really knows how many there are left, but the quess is right around 100. Also, this car is an Austrailian hero. I love it for it’s looks and it’s drivetrain. A underatted 351 and bulletproof 4-speed top-loader manual from a HD F-Series truck make this another muscle car that screams “shut up and drive me!” It’s pure adventure.

Posted in Car Reviews | Leave a comment

Car World: 2010 Knoxville News Sentinel Auto Show

Posted on April 27, 2010 by utsman

Posted in Car World | Leave a comment

Guest Blog: Member of the Family

Posted on April 3, 2010 by utsman

Writen with love by a true, honest-to-goodness car man by the name, MudRunner.
On a snowy winter day in 1995, I can remember trekking out to a dealer in Leavenworth, Kansas with my mother in some sort of courtesy car. I didn’t know where we were going, or why; I was just happy to be in a car. We arrived at a Chevy dealership. I was 4 years old at the time, so the whole thing was fascinating to me. All the pretty cars and trucks lined up in neat little rows, and the cars in the showroom… How did they get those in there? As my mom talked with the salesman, one vehicle in particular on the showroom floor caught my eye. It was a bright red Suburban. It was huge with its big wheels and tires and chrome bumpers that I could see my face in. I was enamored by it. Being a typical four year old boy I screamed with a huge grin, “Mommy, mommy, come look! It’s a big red truck!”

She peeked out of the office, and laughed, saying “Do you like it honey?”

She then disappeared back into the office. I went to look at the truck some more, but was interrupted by some man who got into it! He proceeded to start it, and drive it across the showroom to a set of open doors on the other side. I was heartbroken; he was taking my truck away! Just then, my mother came out of the office with a large envelope, and walked over to a desk in the showroom, where she talked to a lady about something. I didn’t know what was happening as the lady handed my mother two sets of keys with little black remotes and told her that ‘it’ would be waiting outside. Being a typical four-year-old, all I wanted was that big red truck that I liked so much.

“Mom, can we please get the red one? Please? It’s pretty…” etc. My mom simply said, “Zach, just be quiet. There are other people in here.”

She took my hand, and we walked me over to the door. She got some papers from a man outside, and began to walk towards the big red truck that I wanted so bad. And that’s where it began.
Mom’s special-ordered 1995 K1500 Suburban 4×4 was pretty cool to say the least. At the time, it was probably one of the coolest cars I’d ever been in. After all, I had my own air vent in the back seat. That’s just cool! I couldn’t reach it, but heck, it was still cool.Over the next 15 years, it would travel more than 250,000 miles, take 100 plus trips across the US, 9 cross-country military moves, and consume more than 15,625 gallons of gas. 90% of those miles I spent in the right rear seat, looking across at the instrument cluster. I would close my eyes, and listen to the sound of the engine working, pulling the three-ton beast along the freeway. It was like my own little heaven. Little did I know that at that time my bizarre sensory feelings were caused by my growing love of all things mechanical (and partly by ADD).

The Suburban has had a pretty eventful life, serving as a daily driver, pulling a 5,000lb camping trailer, serving with the USCG drug task force in Los Angeles, CA, and even appearing on the show “Walker, Texas Ranger”. No, Chuck Norris didn’t drive it; the truck was just in the background.

When my parents got divorced, my mom, sister and I lived out of it for about a week as we moved cross country again. It’s been with us through the good times, the bad times, and everywhere in between. To be honest, it’s probably the only thing in my life that has remained totally stable.I never really thought about driving it, it just happened one day. In a way, it was no different for me than just sitting in the back seat. I knew where and how everything worked, I knew what it felt like, and I knew what and what not to do. My mom just sat in the passenger seat and was silent, as I drove us to the store for the first time. It was bizarrely peaceful. The feeling of the engine through the cable throttle, the slow, but linear steering feel, and the way it glided over the pavement created a permanent impression in my mind of what a vehicle should feel like. I drove it almost every day after that. Running errands, practicing parallel parking, using every excuse I could to drive it. Fast forward to today: I was driving my mom, step-dad and sister home from Costco in Memphis, TN to our home in Selmer. It’s about a 70 mile trip. Leaving the Costco parking lot, the power steering pump grenaded, blowing ATF all over the exhaust manifold, and creating a smoke screen behind us. I wrestled the truck home, and into its parking spot. I felt sort of hurt the whole way, as if the truck were a part of me that was injured. For reasons I have trouble explaining, it was very emotionally disturbing. As I shut it down, and everyone got out and began to unload, I sat in the driver’s seat, head resting on the steering wheel, just… not feeling right. It was all wrong. We’ve been thinking for a while now about doing an engine rebuild, since there is a slight coolant leak somewhere. I don’t know where exactly, but it always shows up as a trace in our Blackstone Oil Analysis. So, the time has come to begin the project. Aside from religious synthetic fluid changes, tires, and brakes the truck has never been in the shop, not for anything. The power steering pump seemed to be some sort of sign that it was time to give it a bit of a restoration; a rejuvenated heart to make it stronger, healthier, and better than new. The project shall begin as soon as possible. The 350CID small block is coming out and getting rebuilt from the ground up to go another 250,214 amazing miles. The clear-coat on the roof may be failing, the carpet may be worn, and the leather seats may be torn, but this old, incredible truck will stay with us as long as I live. It has been with me almost as long as I can remember and I won’t let that change.

Since this was written, the engine has been stripped, and I’m rebuilding it with some mild modifications. The basics:
-Original crankshaft, cleaned and polished (yes, that is all it required… Mobil 1 5W-30 is a beautiful thing)
-Original Block bored .030 over
-Comp High-Energy cam kit
-Speed-Pro Pistons on stock rods
-King bearings
-Rebuilt heads
-Ported and polished throttle body
-Full 3″ headerback exhaust with super-quiet muffler
All in all, should be a great DD build, with a nice torque and MPG increase. It’s mom’s birthday present for this year, and I think she’ll enjoy it for many years to come.

 

Posted in Car People Speak | 1 Comment