The 10 Best Ways to Escape a Wedding

There are moments in life where a person simply needs to stay humble.  Leaving a wedding isn’t one of them.  Just like a flashy Broadway performance is justified, being showy on one’s wedding day is perfectly okay. If anything, being obnoxiously blatant and overtly loud is asked upon by modern-day ceremony patrons who are mentally and emotionally numb because of smartphones and Netflix.  After all, most weddings are, without a doubt, boring.  Because of this, leaving the service should be done in a fashion not suitable for the quiet.  This also isn’t a moment when the typical C5 Corvette will do.  This is a time when you and your paramour are suppose to hold your heads up high and let everyone know that you are temporarily better than them. For that, here is a list of some of the best vehicles that a husband and wife can use to say “peace out suckers, it’s honeymoon time!”

10: Gold DMC Delorean

Fast? No.  Insanely unnecessary? Of course.  Deloreans are cool no matter what but in 1981, the geniuses at American Express thought it would be a wonderful idea to incase 100 of John Z’s dream cars in 24k-Karat gold and then put a $85,000 price tag on them.  Guess what?  Only two were sold.  Not only is this one of the most jaw-dropping things to come out of the 1980s, it’s also practical and easy to get in and out of while wearing a far-too-big wedding dress due to the gullwing doors.  If you were to leave the ceremony dressed to the nines in one of these, what kind of message would you be sending?  Something along the lines of “yeah, it’s the rolling child of one man’s ultimate hopes and dreams wrapped in shiny gold.  Now, I’m going to the Cayman islands to have sex.  What are you doing?”

9: Abrams M1A1 Tank

While it may be one of the slowest ways to leave a wedding, it might just be the most menacing.  Your party’s cheer and glee will quickly turn into hushed fear when they are faced with the greatest tank mankind has ever created.  Do you have in-laws who might not be too happy with your marriage?  Usually people change their thinking when faced with a 120 mm smoothbore gun.  As cool as it may be, getting into the M1A1 is a slow and difficult process even when not wearing a tux let alone delicate wedding dress.

8: Late 80s Batmobile

There are numerous versions of the Batmobile but arguably the coolest example is the one from the Tim Burton movies.  Engulfed in Art Deco shapes and angles that went out of style three seconds after they were put into place, the late 80s Batmobile is by no means timeless but it is, the most “wicked” looking personal transportation system of Bruce Wayne’s crime fighting alter ego.  It’s dark, dangerous and longer than a 2013 BMW 760Li.  It also can go 330 mph and puts 1,750 lb-ft of torque down to the ground via a jet turbine.  It has machine guns to ward off the disapproving in-laws, a grappling hook so you don’t have to take the elevator up to your hotel’s penthouse, and OnStar so you won’t get lost from the Church to the lover’s suite.  Practical?  We think so.

7: A-Team GMC Van

The coolest GMC van every conceived just so happens to be the personal ride choice of one of the coolest men in American history: B.A. Baracus.  Drapped in death metal black and wrapped in a oh-so-unsubtle red stripe, the A-Team van would instantly grab the ultimate attention of any and all apathetic wedding goers.  End the most beautiful day of your life by blaring the song of heroes, burning rubber, jumping over something and causing an explosion for no actual reason.

6: Grave Digger

Lifted trucks are obnoxious.  Monster Trucks however, are cool.  In our minds, none are cooler and more attention grabbing than the legendary Grave Digger.  Early 1950s Ford Trucks are neat but when they could be the personal ride of the Grimm Reaper himself, there is a serious chance your wedding getaway will go down in history.  Grave Digger is loud, noxious, and difficult to park which is perfect for showing off.  It is also great to have around when the ex actually raises their hand after the Preacher says “speak now or forever hold your peace.”  Grave Digger would surely be more than happy to teach the “loser” a lesson, or at the very least their 2001 Toyota Corolla.

5: Ken Block’s Gymkhana 1 Subaru

Flashy, loud and riddled with over compensating body pieces, Ken Block’s legendary Subaru STI from his very first Gymkhana video is easily recognized as the ultimate hoonigan machine.  While it may be a race car, it does have four doors and a trunk so you and your man can take your new toasters and oven mitts with you.  After a stressful and hectic day of peace and love, there’s nothing like doing a 2-step all wheel drive burnout followed by some smoke-filled donuts around your new “dad” and the sister who swears she isn’t jealous.

4: Mad Max’s Interceptor

Originally a 1973 Australian-spec Ford XB Falcon, the “last of the V8s” is dirty, dangerous and just a tad bit silly.  While it may be the vehicle of choice for a post apocalyptic nightmare, it isn’t entirely irrational and dumb.  Loud yes, but the Interceptor has a switch that can turn the supercharger’s pulley on and off to save fuel.  That’s really important in today’s eco-conscious World that is suddenly awash with fundamentalist Prius drivers.  And if your new marriage gets bombarded by some really angry hybrid operators, the Interceptor features an ignition switch strapped to the fuel tanks.  It might cut the honeymoon short, but it sure would teach those greenies a lesson in reality.

3: Mother Medusa

The gnarliest 1972 Buick Skylark out there, Mother Medusa is a flame shooting, tire smoking, supercharged muscle car built for the end of the world.  The star of a not-that-great movie, this flat black child of some heartbroken 20-somethings would make a monstrous scene especially at the end of a day usually reserved for pure beauty.  Say thank you, goodbye and I love you the best way possible: by doing a burnout while shooting 20-foot flames out of some stacked pipes.

2: A tow truck towing a tow truck towing a tow truck

Automotive satire at its best.  Once it sinks in, it bakes your noodle to point where all you want to do is clutch a pillow close to your heart and cry.  It’s also kind of funny.

1: Hurst Hairy Oldsmobile 442

Only two were every made.  They were all wheel drive.  They used two supercharged 455 Rocket V8s; both of which breathed a combination of nitromethane and alcohol.  In total, they put down 2,400 horsepower.  They are the definition of automotive absurdity.  They are utterly useless, entirely unnecessary and insanely stupid.  Otherworldly, offensive, abominable, rotten and just flat-out cool, the Hurst Hairy Oldsmobile 442 is the most maniacal method to escape a wedding.

This entry was posted in Top Ten and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s